To the Bride and Groom

Weddings are stressful buggers, as we all know. For my sister, Kim, it's hell, financially. For me, it's a rose-infested nightmare.

In the beginning of her engagement, she told me one night (while watching my dogs do a load on the lawn) of her fairy tale wedding with Andy. It would be in the golf course when all the flowers were blooming and she'd have me with four of her best friends as the bride's maids, all in cherry red gowns. And I thought, sweet, a bride's maid.
"I want you to be my maid of honor, E." she smiled at me.
I stared at her, owl eyes even more owl-y. "Me? What about your friend Nikki... Or Melody?"
Me. A twiggy, bug-eyed fifteen-year-old being a maid of honor stroke such a wave of blasphemy in me, I laughed.
"I want you, my baby sister, to be next to me when I get married." she replied, then gave a peal of giggles. "Andy's best man is his brother, Eric. Which is pretty funny because he's, like, three of you. Watching you two walk down the aisle together will be hilarious!"
Oh, great. A man twice as tall, and three times as wide walking me down. I'll be jogging to keep up. That'll look lovely.
"That also means," Kim cut in, snapping me from my ridiculous thoughts of me having to sprint to keep pace with a giant called Eric. "You'll have to do the speech. Knowing you and you're writing, you'll do fine."

And that's when it all crashed down on me. Speech? That's every teenager's worst enemy! It's horrible enough at high school, but in front of maybe forty people?

The toast is probably every maid of honor's phobia, at least every one that I know.
This conversation, in fact, took place many months ago, in the year of 2007. Since then, Kim has called me and said that financial fate was not friends with her and Andy. The golf course was off. To the Court Room! She then told me about the reception.

"Oh, it's gonna be great, E. We're gonna have a DJay and he's gonna play everything!" She did a little dance maneuver that is usually distinguished with hip hop and the like.
"Even... rap?" I hid my grimace, thinking of my parents sitting on the side line, with the sticky bass and vulgar words going through them. And me, being in the throng of grinding twenty-somethings. Dear God, if you're there, HELP.
"Yeah, of course." she laughed, pushing me slightly as we walked through my screen door.
Oh, perfect.

She called me a few months later and gave me the sad scoop of how finances were getting tighter. Her voice sounded frazzled and worn. A side effect of the wedding, no doubt.
"We got the court house, but I had to cut all my bride's maids out except for you. And now all the people that can attend are close friends and family." She paused, sighed, then added, "And I had to cancel my wedding dress order and your dress, too. They were too much out of our budget."
At this, a little gloom cloud rained on my head. Darn. I loved Kim's beautiful, flowing white dress with scarlet trimming. And, not to mention, the gorgeous, strapless apple red dress that actually fit my tiny frame.
We planned to go dress shopping together, but that ended not happening. Me and mum found a red one for me at DEB that was roughly forty bucks, and Kim found an exact replica of her previous gown for hundred dollars cheaper. I guess some things do work out. Hallelujah.

The bridal shower was orginally supposed to be at an elite country house. Notice how I say 'originally'. Budgets had to be cut in tighter. It ended up being at Nikki's house, which was nice. A lot of Kim's family members were there, who I've never met and felt a little awkward around. You see, Kim is my dad's daughter. He was married to her mother until he divorced her, found my mum, had me, then married her. We were the 'other' family.
While there, Kim was describing to Jen (Miss Ive, as some of you may know her) her bacherolette party.
"Yeah, I went with a couple friends earlier to a bride party that was to get you to buy this company's products. You know, sex toys and other sexy things. So, I ordered some of those for my party..."
Something I really didn't want to know about my sister or come into the conversation about.

The time had been going so fast, I completely forgot about... THE SPEECH. The more I remembered about it, the more it began haunting me. I'll be completely honest and admit I had I nightmare about it. 'To the Bride and Broom- Groom! I meant Groom! Oh crap."
Should it be long and detailed, or short and witty?
I feel like I'm stressing more than the Bride! For some help, I resorted to begging Jen (aka Miss Ive) for advice.

"Short, and to the point. Maybe three lines at the most. Some of the best toasts are that." she said today while I scrubbed dishes.
Whew! Now I can cross 'write a novel' off my list for toasts.
You know, I think I got something.

"Love is forever and kind
Love is a big pain in the behind.
Kim and Andy, the best to you."